you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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