at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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