In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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