shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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