I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
