I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
