guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
