I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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