The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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