He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
