i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
My pussy is not your playground.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
