Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
