Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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