Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
