theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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