I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
