just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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