I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
