Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My vagina is very pro this idea
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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