i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
