I want to stick my p in your. b.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
