No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
