I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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