So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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