I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
