You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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