i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
