I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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