I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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