gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
