I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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