she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
