sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
