i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
