There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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