Someone shit on the floor
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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