all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
