separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
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