im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
