just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
