____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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