Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
