Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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