I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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