I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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