Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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