I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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