I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
