apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
