I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
